For the past year – the world felt dull. Things that I enjoy no longer create as much joy as it before. Then I came across the word ‘anhedonia’ – a word that perfectly described what I felt.

I would start a new game – and never gets to the end.
I would start a book – and close its cover midway.
I would start a blog – and get hung up on its design.
I would start writing – and put my pen down without finishing.

‘anhedonia’ – /ˌanhɪˈdəʊnɪə/
inability to feel pleasure in normally pleasurable activities.

The perfect word that expresses the indifference in my state of mind.

At first, I would put it out as a sign of maturity –
a 30-year-old playing video games,
a book that may no longer resonate with an old mind,
a post that reflects a child-like disposition,
writings that no longer reflects my truest state of mind.

and going down the Google rabbit hole –
[ Anhedonia is a core clinical feature of depression, schizophrenia, and some other mental illnesses. ]

Am I suffering from depression?
Or was it just a phase that just needs to be waited out?
I do not know. I do have dark thoughts here and then. But I know it is something I would not act on. “I am not like that and I refuse to be like that” – these are the thoughts that counter those dark ones.

I hope that this is just a sign to change. But also – I want that joy I used to feel from doing the things I used to enjoy. Because really, I still do want to play my games and read my books. I know I still love doing those things.